The core

 This one is deep, a exclusive insight to what I feel like that no body would ever know if I hadnt told them.  This last week, I have been in a deep sad place, the pit that I try very hard to stay away from.  As most people know, I did go through a life changing period when in a months time I suddenly was staring death in the face and then left by the man I had been planning a wedding for.  Not only that but the year following I found myself in a terrible relationship in which I was  almost completely stripped of my confidence and self value.  I HATE so much using that as a crutch or the source of my bad feeling days but honestly, it shook me so hard to the core that everything about how I thought changed.  As time has gone by I have more clearly pinpointed a few things that these things took a toll on.  One is my ability to trust people and be social.  I am a dating shipwreck, I treat men as if they have already hurt me and the worst is when I actually see something I love in them.  As soon as that happens I sabotage the friendship in fear of losing myself again to a man or being left.  I literally have a fear of some social situations, I often push my friends away just to then find myself needing people in my life and no one is there i feel comfortable talking to. Two is the actual fear of someone wanting to kill me.  Headlights in a dark canyon, people walking on sidewalks at night, any type of car driving in a dangerous way.  Yes, those are all things that make me want to ball up and cry.  Last week driving home from Eden, I had the worst panic attack i've ever had.  I was driving the canyon and as the headlights from passing cars would hit me in the eyes just right I tensed up so badly my body ached the next day.  I was crying to hard and literally gasping and screaming every time a car would drive by.  I pray that no one has to ever know what it feels like to feel as if someone wants you dead.  Its something a real therapist should take care of but you know 99% of life is lived outside a therapists office.  I took a social wellness evaluation today and found out I seriously lack in that department.  well ok, so now you all think I'm a little crazy and maybe not the same person you use to know?  Thats ok, If anything, I've learned that everyone has their demons and I'm not the only one who has horrible things happen to them.  In fact, my problems would seem like nothing compared to others but I believe that because we are so different, some things will hurt badly to others and barely effect others.  You cant truly know how anyone feels unless you are them.  Most of the time, I grow out of my sad stages and go on living life in a great way but every now and again I just want to be hugged and loved by someone who knows me well.    

I keep forgetting to pick up a notebook when i'm at the store so I feel like all the thoughts i want to write down are about to overflow into this blog.  Anyway the last 4 weeks have been some of the most stressful ever.  I dont get stressed about just about anything so feeling this way is new to me.  As you know, graduation is soon approaching ( April 22) and then begins real life.  Just the idea that everything is so up in the air is too scary for me.  I want to know for sure what i'm going to do! My big mistake was telling people what my hopes were and now they ask me all the time: when are you moving to California?  what job do you have? my boss is just planning on me being gone in may since i've been telling him that for a while but...   TRUTH I dont have any such job, i applied. that's all. I am just as likely to not get the job as I am to land it.   Also I made the mistake of telling people i was looking for a car.  now they ask when i'm getting it, ask me how much i'm going to spend and what i think is most annoying, give me financial advice without me asking for it.  Obviously if I was looking at a car, I know I can afford it and that's all you need to know.  I've definitely decided to be much more private about things like these.  I have a problem with spilling every detail about my life to anyone.  I want to be better, especially when it comes to money.  I need to learn that you don't talk about those things to everyone.  It should stay within my family and even then i don't need to tell them everything.  Life would be less stressful right now if I just kept my mouth shut.  

Maybe this stems from my problem with people, I definitely have a problem with them!!  As leaned not too long ago, I do have a bit of social anxiety.  Really though I can feel it sometimes really strong.  Most times i'm fine but every  now and again I would just like to be by myself and honestly i'm completely happy being alone.  Its not that I hate people and am a turtle that has to hide in front of people, I just prefer myself  to others more than most.  For example, if someone i'm not 100% comfortable with asks to hang out at the end of the week, all week long I think about it and plan my worry about it, sometimes i psych myself out so much I  HAVE to find an excuse to get out of it.  I have a boat load of excuses I use all the time.  

Let me tell you why I like spending time with myself though.  I on the inside have a lot of deep pulling emotions and thoughts that give me a piece of paper, will come out in poetic form.  (blogs and journals are not what im talking about).  I love myself, I love my personality, the way I look, the way I think, my humor, my strength, my weaknesses, I will never change who I am because I love myself too much.  It took a long time to get to this point and now that I am there, I want to spend more time discovering what I can do by myself with work and time.  running for example is a all me thing that helps me discover what I can do mentally and physically.  I love people, I love helping people and I love laughing and having fun with friends and feeling close to a certain guy but I also love my alone time.