Success is just over the hill of failure

I found a really good quote before my last marathon in October, it was from the runners world instagram and it goes: "Many of life's failures are people who didn't realize how close they were to success when they gave up."  -Thomas Edison

Isn't it so true that we give up when its getting hard?  Usually near the end of what we started?  We don't give up in the beginning, when its easy, we give up when we are close to success, its a decision.  In pain or struggle, of course the logical thing we tell ourselves to do is quit.  In a mile, its maybe that last minute, in that race its usually the dead zone before seeing the end and having gone so far into the pain cave.

I really loved this quote because it spoke to me, right before setting off on a marathon that i KNEW was going to be hard to finish.  I had to make that decision ahead of time to not let the little voice in my head make the decisions about when I had "nothing left".  I wasn't going to listen to it when it told me I was slowing down and success was not possible.  These times came up around mile 22.  I wasn't going to be a failure though, I was going to know that I was close, that I was SO close and that stopping or slowing down would feel worse than continuing in my very uncomfortable state.

Now, a few months later as I'm training again, I'm not going to let myself talk me out of what I can do.  I won't sell myself short because success is right after the hill of failure, you just have to claw your way over it!

You made the mess

I like to write about things I'm passionate about and boy oh boy does this make me feel a sort of way!  Accountability my friends, has gotten lost somewhere in the 90's and hasn't shown its face since.  Corbin and I talk about this ALL the time because it seems like everyday we run into a problem where someone didn't hold up their end of a deal and we have to suffer the consequences.

Let's go back to when we all used to call each other back.  Now I know I'm quite terrible at this sometimes (sorry Jo) but we're talking about when we were kids and the phone rang on the wall.  you're older sibling answered it, shocked you were getting a phone call and not them, and they gave it to you.  Your friend wanted to play, you didn't really want to because your family just set up the trampoline for the summer and you wanted that bad boy all to yourself.  Luckily your mom is gone and so you have an excuse, "I have to ask my mom", you say, "I'll call you back when she gets home".  Now, the easy thing to do would be to go out and jump on that trampoline pretending you were Zena princess warrior for hours and not call your friend...but you do, you DO call them back because you were taught it was rude to leave someone hanging like that.

Then It was Jr. High and you left your super important history assignment at home.  You freak out for a minute but then remember you have history after lunch and you can call your mom on the school pay phone and ask her to bring it to you. "I'm saved!" you tell your friends.  You take our your quarters and give your mom a call.  Through the loud noise that is Jr High kids at lunch you hear her say, "sorry, you should have put it in your backpack last night so you wouldn't forget".  And that's that, you're not saved.  You bring it the next day and get 10 points taken off and you're mad at your mom but deep down inside you know its your own fault.

Now you're an adult and problems are bigger and scarier than ever but guess what, if you make a mistake or just want to refuse to deal with something, you can always blame someone else and hide!! RIGHT???  This is such a problem!  have you heard these before?: "its the governments fault", "I'll just use my credit card", "I'm just so busy that i dont have time to be healthy", "sorry I didnt make it, was that last night?"

We hear about this being the privileged generation, guess where that comes from?  Not showing by example or teaching correctly the principals of accountability.  Mean what you say, keep obligations, answer for yourself.  You made the mess, not anyone else.

That "crazy runner"

I looked in the mirror before my morning run (denoting there will be another run later in the day) and thought, I am that crazy runner.

 In Jr. High I had a track coach that talked with a British accent and unknown to me at the time, was not Paula Radcliff.  But she seemed to me to be a crazy runner, skinny as a stick, shorts with slits up to the hip and skin so dry and tan you’d think she was a 90 year old farmer.  I always looked up to her though because she KNEW what running was and by every definition was that ‘crazy runner’. 

Well, today I realized, I am that person.  I say crazy things like “just 10 miles” and “20 mile training run”.  My shadow shows me that despite all the dried mango’s and peanut butter cups I eat (shout out to Justin’s organic PB cups!) I am that girl that people thinks needs to ‘eat a cheeseburger’.  Trust me, I eat plenty, just look at my grocery bill if you don’t believe me!  I have permanent tan lines from my tank tops and compression socks, in fact I’m pretty stripped like a candy cane going from really tan to really white all the way down my body. 

I have a washer and dryer top covered with all my technical gear (sports bra’s, shorts, socks etc...)  That all say “line dry”.  Since I don’t have a line and live in humidity grove, all the things must be put somewhere and that somewhere makes it really hard to put other batches or otherwise wash anything that is not running related (what are normal clothes anyway?)  Oh well.  The one thing I knew would send me down the ‘crazy runner’ road was when I bought my first Garmin or GPS watch.  I’ll admit sometimes I wear it when I’m not running to make sure people know I’m a REAL runner.  It’s essential to me now and I’d die without it but yes sometimes I check my watch while running by traffic just to look cool.

Also on my list of crazy things is the amount of strange products I have and love like body glide (heaven sent) roller stick, GU energy bites, hydration packs, running sunglasses, hats, protein powder (in bulk), Epsom salt (also in bulk) BCAA’s…. and so on.  Yeah I have a lot.  I also know a lot too, the amount of runner knowledge from stretches for a specific muscle group to how exactly to pace a progression run is all come about from hours of reading runner’s world and other such online magazines.  I’m a nerd.

Last but not least is the amount of hours and $$ I spend on this ‘inexpensive hobby’.  I currently just bought 2 pairs of running shoes at the same time because “I’ll just need another pair in 2 months anyway”.  I try my best to get the best deals from places like amazon or Holabird Sports but the truth is, running and racing is expensive! Races are sometimes ridiculous and by mile 20 I’m wishing I spent that 95$ on just about anything other than the race I’m running. BUT I LOVE IT! I’m so happy to be that crazy runner just like the Jr. High track coach I looked up to so many years ago.  It’s hard, like really, really, really hard but it’s so worth it for me and I can’t wait to see what my crazy running life has in store for me next.  Stay tuned for in 1 month I’ll take on the challenge to officially become an ultra-runner in my very first 50k.

running newbies

so you want to be a runner, or are thinking about it, or even know a guy who knows a guy who is thinking about it.  well, if I cant talk you out of it, at least I can give you some advice.  First of all, if your a wimp, maybe speed walking is more your thing.  Its an olympic sport now so go ahead and knock yourself out you speedy walker.  Also, if you cant handle the elements ( wind, rain, scorching heat, tornados, blizzards) you may want to consider an inside sport like elliptical riding or knitting ( both are equally boring).  One more thing, if you enjoy being pain free for times outside of a workout, just go take a nap because running has a high likelihood of injury and if you aren't willing to pay your dues with shin splints, you will never be a true racer.

No? you still want to run?  fantastic!  you wont regret this decision ( haha jk you'll regret it every time you run but the rewards will greatly outweigh this feeling soon enough).  

here are a few grievances of newbies and ways to combat them:

1.  It's hard

yeah.  Even to the trained, its hard.  and guess what, it doesnt get any easier but good news, you'll get stronger and soon that 3 miles wont feel like death anymore.  Hang it there, and by all means, starting slow is not a bad thing!

2.  you're slow

You probably are.  And thats ok.  I start every running season slow as a turtle so you're not alone.  Everyone has to start somewhere, even the greats dont start their season at PR pace.  Being slow is all part of the process and is essential to peaking at the right time ( just in time for your race you reluctantly signed up for!)

3. its boring

see, I have never had this as a problem but people tell me they struggle with this.  I listen to music, I find songs with a high BPM ( beats per minute) rate.  slow love songs are going to be the death of you on long runs, trust me.  some people listen to books, some enjoy  the shuffle of pandora and some like the quiet.   try some of these to see what works.  If its still boring, try changing up your routes, I dont suggest running the same one over and over.  Make it a new adventure to find new places to run.

For more advice on training, including my own training plan, contact me and i'll be happy to help you!

happy runnings :D

-Heidi

The core

 This one is deep, a exclusive insight to what I feel like that no body would ever know if I hadnt told them.  This last week, I have been in a deep sad place, the pit that I try very hard to stay away from.  As most people know, I did go through a life changing period when in a months time I suddenly was staring death in the face and then left by the man I had been planning a wedding for.  Not only that but the year following I found myself in a terrible relationship in which I was  almost completely stripped of my confidence and self value.  I HATE so much using that as a crutch or the source of my bad feeling days but honestly, it shook me so hard to the core that everything about how I thought changed.  As time has gone by I have more clearly pinpointed a few things that these things took a toll on.  One is my ability to trust people and be social.  I am a dating shipwreck, I treat men as if they have already hurt me and the worst is when I actually see something I love in them.  As soon as that happens I sabotage the friendship in fear of losing myself again to a man or being left.  I literally have a fear of some social situations, I often push my friends away just to then find myself needing people in my life and no one is there i feel comfortable talking to. Two is the actual fear of someone wanting to kill me.  Headlights in a dark canyon, people walking on sidewalks at night, any type of car driving in a dangerous way.  Yes, those are all things that make me want to ball up and cry.  Last week driving home from Eden, I had the worst panic attack i've ever had.  I was driving the canyon and as the headlights from passing cars would hit me in the eyes just right I tensed up so badly my body ached the next day.  I was crying to hard and literally gasping and screaming every time a car would drive by.  I pray that no one has to ever know what it feels like to feel as if someone wants you dead.  Its something a real therapist should take care of but you know 99% of life is lived outside a therapists office.  I took a social wellness evaluation today and found out I seriously lack in that department.  well ok, so now you all think I'm a little crazy and maybe not the same person you use to know?  Thats ok, If anything, I've learned that everyone has their demons and I'm not the only one who has horrible things happen to them.  In fact, my problems would seem like nothing compared to others but I believe that because we are so different, some things will hurt badly to others and barely effect others.  You cant truly know how anyone feels unless you are them.  Most of the time, I grow out of my sad stages and go on living life in a great way but every now and again I just want to be hugged and loved by someone who knows me well.    

I keep forgetting to pick up a notebook when i'm at the store so I feel like all the thoughts i want to write down are about to overflow into this blog.  Anyway the last 4 weeks have been some of the most stressful ever.  I dont get stressed about just about anything so feeling this way is new to me.  As you know, graduation is soon approaching ( April 22) and then begins real life.  Just the idea that everything is so up in the air is too scary for me.  I want to know for sure what i'm going to do! My big mistake was telling people what my hopes were and now they ask me all the time: when are you moving to California?  what job do you have? my boss is just planning on me being gone in may since i've been telling him that for a while but...   TRUTH I dont have any such job, i applied. that's all. I am just as likely to not get the job as I am to land it.   Also I made the mistake of telling people i was looking for a car.  now they ask when i'm getting it, ask me how much i'm going to spend and what i think is most annoying, give me financial advice without me asking for it.  Obviously if I was looking at a car, I know I can afford it and that's all you need to know.  I've definitely decided to be much more private about things like these.  I have a problem with spilling every detail about my life to anyone.  I want to be better, especially when it comes to money.  I need to learn that you don't talk about those things to everyone.  It should stay within my family and even then i don't need to tell them everything.  Life would be less stressful right now if I just kept my mouth shut.  

Maybe this stems from my problem with people, I definitely have a problem with them!!  As leaned not too long ago, I do have a bit of social anxiety.  Really though I can feel it sometimes really strong.  Most times i'm fine but every  now and again I would just like to be by myself and honestly i'm completely happy being alone.  Its not that I hate people and am a turtle that has to hide in front of people, I just prefer myself  to others more than most.  For example, if someone i'm not 100% comfortable with asks to hang out at the end of the week, all week long I think about it and plan my worry about it, sometimes i psych myself out so much I  HAVE to find an excuse to get out of it.  I have a boat load of excuses I use all the time.  

Let me tell you why I like spending time with myself though.  I on the inside have a lot of deep pulling emotions and thoughts that give me a piece of paper, will come out in poetic form.  (blogs and journals are not what im talking about).  I love myself, I love my personality, the way I look, the way I think, my humor, my strength, my weaknesses, I will never change who I am because I love myself too much.  It took a long time to get to this point and now that I am there, I want to spend more time discovering what I can do by myself with work and time.  running for example is a all me thing that helps me discover what I can do mentally and physically.  I love people, I love helping people and I love laughing and having fun with friends and feeling close to a certain guy but I also love my alone time.  

future!?! nope

It seems so cliche to say that i never thought my life would be where it is not but, its so very true.  This current semester is strange, uncomfortable and a little terrifying.  I'm about to graduate and for that, i'm happy, no more homework and studying for tests yay! no more tuition and stupid fees. no more parking.  Its a great thing but it seems like i have much bigger things to worry about like what am I going to do after???
I kind of know and yet i have no idea what is going to happen come June.  I honestly can say i thought i'd be married long before i had to graduate and find a job.  I was going to be married, graduate, support my husband in his career and find a local job before having kids.  Yeah, thats not even a option.  I'm about done and cant even find a guy i like.  Now i'm left to find a real job, out of state, live by myself and just be expected to make this transition smoothly and without a huge mental breakdown.  Well guess what, i have a mini breakdown every time i even think about it.  I DO want to find a job i like and moving out of utah sounds adventurous and grown up but, there are so many things i love here.  The more i think about Utah, the more i will miss SO many things about it.  What is worse is i'll be leaving all on my own with absolutely no one coming with me.  This is when I would have wished i'd gone on all those dates i said no to because maybe i would have even a boyfriend to move with me.  I can see it now, i move to a small place in Seattle and once i get everything situated i sit down and cry my eyes out because i'm so lonely.  Yeah, i'm very scared of this happening.  I WANT to move my life forward and at the same time i am dragging my feet big time.  I should be getting my resume out there and making connections but instead i'm watching sabrina the teenage witch and ignoring any and all responsibility.  I'm scared!  I am poor, single and scared.