The core

 This one is deep, a exclusive insight to what I feel like that no body would ever know if I hadnt told them.  This last week, I have been in a deep sad place, the pit that I try very hard to stay away from.  As most people know, I did go through a life changing period when in a months time I suddenly was staring death in the face and then left by the man I had been planning a wedding for.  Not only that but the year following I found myself in a terrible relationship in which I was  almost completely stripped of my confidence and self value.  I HATE so much using that as a crutch or the source of my bad feeling days but honestly, it shook me so hard to the core that everything about how I thought changed.  As time has gone by I have more clearly pinpointed a few things that these things took a toll on.  One is my ability to trust people and be social.  I am a dating shipwreck, I treat men as if they have already hurt me and the worst is when I actually see something I love in them.  As soon as that happens I sabotage the friendship in fear of losing myself again to a man or being left.  I literally have a fear of some social situations, I often push my friends away just to then find myself needing people in my life and no one is there i feel comfortable talking to. Two is the actual fear of someone wanting to kill me.  Headlights in a dark canyon, people walking on sidewalks at night, any type of car driving in a dangerous way.  Yes, those are all things that make me want to ball up and cry.  Last week driving home from Eden, I had the worst panic attack i've ever had.  I was driving the canyon and as the headlights from passing cars would hit me in the eyes just right I tensed up so badly my body ached the next day.  I was crying to hard and literally gasping and screaming every time a car would drive by.  I pray that no one has to ever know what it feels like to feel as if someone wants you dead.  Its something a real therapist should take care of but you know 99% of life is lived outside a therapists office.  I took a social wellness evaluation today and found out I seriously lack in that department.  well ok, so now you all think I'm a little crazy and maybe not the same person you use to know?  Thats ok, If anything, I've learned that everyone has their demons and I'm not the only one who has horrible things happen to them.  In fact, my problems would seem like nothing compared to others but I believe that because we are so different, some things will hurt badly to others and barely effect others.  You cant truly know how anyone feels unless you are them.  Most of the time, I grow out of my sad stages and go on living life in a great way but every now and again I just want to be hugged and loved by someone who knows me well.