It seems so cliche to say that i never thought my life would be where it is not but, its so very true. This current semester is strange, uncomfortable and a little terrifying. I'm about to graduate and for that, i'm happy, no more homework and studying for tests yay! no more tuition and stupid fees. no more parking. Its a great thing but it seems like i have much bigger things to worry about like what am I going to do after???
I kind of know and yet i have no idea what is going to happen come June. I honestly can say i thought i'd be married long before i had to graduate and find a job. I was going to be married, graduate, support my husband in his career and find a local job before having kids. Yeah, thats not even a option. I'm about done and cant even find a guy i like. Now i'm left to find a real job, out of state, live by myself and just be expected to make this transition smoothly and without a huge mental breakdown. Well guess what, i have a mini breakdown every time i even think about it. I DO want to find a job i like and moving out of utah sounds adventurous and grown up but, there are so many things i love here. The more i think about Utah, the more i will miss SO many things about it. What is worse is i'll be leaving all on my own with absolutely no one coming with me. This is when I would have wished i'd gone on all those dates i said no to because maybe i would have even a boyfriend to move with me. I can see it now, i move to a small place in Seattle and once i get everything situated i sit down and cry my eyes out because i'm so lonely. Yeah, i'm very scared of this happening. I WANT to move my life forward and at the same time i am dragging my feet big time. I should be getting my resume out there and making connections but instead i'm watching sabrina the teenage witch and ignoring any and all responsibility. I'm scared! I am poor, single and scared.
I pretty much had the exact opposite plan for my life. I was going to graduate, get a job, work for a few years, maybe get married, and not have kids. Obviously things didn't work out as I planned, and it was extremely terrifying for me. You plan your life to go certain ways, and when it doesn't, it is hard, and it is scary. But, I have a strong belief that this is how my life was supposed to go. God knows each of us, and we have to trust him, his plan, and his timing. It's okay to be scared, it's okay to cry and be frustrated, and it's okay to wonder why your life is where it is, but ultimately God is there for you. Pray about what path you should take, and he will lead you to it.
ReplyDeleteHeidi let's talk sometime, before Kyle I almost got married at 19, then found myself picking a career and having to move out of state alone, 2 weeks after I turned 20 my parents drive me to AZ stayed for a week while I got settled in and drive away one Sunday night leaving me in a dorm that didn't even have room mates, I knew no one. No family no friends, I went to dinner and movies alone, church alone, everything. It was the best thing that ever happened to me, I was still pretty scarred and messed up from the break up of the boy, but the great part of having to be alone all the time is you are forced to spend time with yourself, and I found out how much I really like me! I find out what I really like, not what I convinced myself I liked because the boy I was dating liked it, or because I thought it made me seem cool and unique, I find out if I liked going to church, or if I just went because that's what I'd always done. And many more things, it was the most wonderful experience I've ever had.i would dare or it over marriage and family because if I hadn't spent that time alone I don't think I'd be where I am today. Being alone healed me in so many ways in a sense, I wish more people were brave enough to give it a go. It's hard, but hard things
ReplyDeleteUsually make us better in the end :) Chatana
Chatana, i hope you got that email, i was a little unsure it sent it to the right address.
ReplyDeleteBecky, Isnt it just funny how nothing ever goes as planned? It sure does take faith to really let go and let God direct your paths. I have a hard time with that because I always feel like I should be the one who dictates everything about my life. I'm actually really glad you mentioned that its ok to wonder why life is where it is. I wonder all the time, I do know that one day i'll all make sense... I just wish i had a little sneak peak as to why!! Thank you for answering me :)